due to private reasons, i will stop writing on this blog (but I'm still keeping the posts).
please visit my new blog
here.---> (me, me and me again)
or
here --> (Japan)




take care all..

let me be a baby for a second.
it is saturday night and i have to sit here studying.
people are going travelling or at least at home with their families.
i know am lucky enough. but am lonely and i want to go home.
i want to quit worrying about study but i guess that is a good conscious and i know i must hold on. few more months.

i miss going to church too
i am sorry God.

it would be the second you touched my face and said "go, i know we will be fine"

here i am in krems again.
the feelings are mixed and overwhelming.
sad to leave you, happy to meet new friends, panic about the dissertation, grateful with my true friends' supports (thanks Mel and Sunny...), scared about the tests, sometimes angry with my decision to leave you, touched by my Mum's advices and comforts, and exciting about our plans to Italy.
At nights I will break down of panick and loneliness, at days I can smile and greet the sun.

but as they say, never depend your mood on the weather.

And as mixed those feelings are, one thing stay the same. the safe feeling from you.
I would be lying if I say I have many experiences and I've felt this kind of love.
I never knew this kind of feeling.
The feeling of security that the love is there, no need for reassurance, no space for doubts.
the love is there, even when we do not talk, see or touch.

I guess what we have built together, has now shown some fruits. This calming feeling is here because of what you have given me for those 2 years. I hope you take good care of yourself there. I'll be seeing you :)

i need to go to Austria again, for the second term of my exchange program..
the visa process is horrible..
i've been going back and forth to rijswijk, zoetermeer and den haag..
and have spent couple hundreds of euros, and i'm still without the visa, mind you...

the fact that i dont really want to go, makes it more annoying..

the guy who works in the austrian embassy in Holland can not speak dutch. ha.
there is only one embassy so we cant tell them to fuck off and go to their competitor.

Anyway, you dont want to mess with restaurant waiters or people who deal with your documents.
so whatever he requested from behind the counter to make my life a bit more difficult,
i'd just smile and say 'thanks for your help'

while the truth is i just want to cry or scream at him. or choke him.
now i know why they separate the counter with big glass.

hmm.. i miss indonesia, where my dad could find a friend and give some money and the papers will be done in a jiffy. hehe. cant help it. the corrupted mind. but really. it's nice....

other things...
yesterday was our second year anniversary... lately he is the only one who keeps me going..
TV is still the love of my life..
basketball is back..it's nice to be there again. the guys are sweet and will give a loud cheer when one of the girls score (it is a big accomplishment, you know). Anyhoe..it's refreshing to watch the people who just love the sport.

wish me luck..
l.l.d

There are two main reasons why I have not written anything for so long:

1. The same old story, busy. This semester is unbelievable...so many things to do and to be worried about.

2. A wise man once said, "When you find yourself trapped in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging"
That is what I did not do. I found myself in a hole, and I kept digging. I can not tell in what kind of hole I was. Really, I don't have the courage to tell you. But now I can say that I'm back on my feet again, happy as before, all I needed was a hand to pull me back. And really, I got more than enough helping hands and shoulders to cry on back then..
and you know who you are, so if you are reading this, thanks for being there,

yep, you find your true friends in the strangest times of your life...

Now back about the busy days, what I hate the most is not having the time to be quiet, talk to myself, and write. Social life is also falling apart, so this weekend I studied while chatting with my long lost friends. We think back about the past times and laugh a lot. The laughing is great, but the secret smile, is even better. We realized how much we have changed, and still some things stay the same; the wildness inside us, the stupidities, the friendship.

I worried too much that I am missing life, while I keep on planning and doing assignments, and I did not like who I have become. A robot.
But then, even as a robot, my old self is still in there.

so, no worries, everything changes, yet nothing changes.

hi dear,

Despite the fact that i dont have my own room, being home is great. As I have told you, my parents are happy and we have more understanding to each other. I dont know if it is me or them who are growing up..

My hot small town has and has not changed. Honestly, I only love the things that has not changed.

One thing sticks in my mind, I can not believe how many more children are begging for money on the streets. I have not told you this, but it hits me, how few years of 'luxurious' life in Amsterdam has made me forgot how it breaks your heart to see these kinds of things.

When for so long I've always said "everything happens for a reason" for my own problems.
But do I dare to say the same about those homeless people?

Anyway, I am meeting more and more old friends than I have planned, even some new ones.
It really feels more like home with them here.

The worst thing is only that you are not here. While there are loads of things I want to show you, to show you around my hometown, where I grew up on the beach and small cinemas. The town where the only thing that we can be proud of is probably just the food.

I know you are doing fine, probably tired from work.
Remember me when you are tired, in a few weeks I will be there again, hugging you when your legs are tired and your minds are annoyed by your boss.

We'll talk again very soon.



as always,
riri.